I really like doing a brain dump/collection in the GTD sense. It gives me a feeling that I can actually control it all. That I'm going to rediscover every last commitment that I've got to make and then be able to make my world just a little bit better. I think that I've finally reached the point when I'm no longer running from all my insecurities.
Well after having nightmares about it for the last couple of nights, I can now rest easy now that the pancake breakfast is over.
And what a breakfast it was, at first things were moving really slowly as the people trickled two and three at a time and I was actually afraid that we wouldn't be able to make enough money to break even with the costs of all the supplies.
And then the boom dropped.
I found myself constantly mixing batter to keep up with a constant stream of hungry customers. In fact, I heard that there was a story of people who went through the line 3 times.
Tomorrow, I’m going to be leading the parents of my daughter’s kindergarten class in our first and only fundraiser.
The (in)famous pancake breakfast.
This was an activity that they told us about at the very beginning of the school year (6 months ago) and I’ve honestly have been kind of dreading that this day would come.
It’s not so much volunteering to do it as it is getting the parents to help out. Although our school has a policy where every parent is required to volunteer 40 hours over the entire school year or donate 20 bucks per hour, I feel that not everyone is able to jump on board and help support us with this.
I’m not angry and I understand that not everyone can help this week, but since I’m the one who is responsible for this if it fails...
I’m just happy that the class that my daughter is in has a lot of top notch parents who really want this to succeed and understand that even the little bit of help can go a long way.
Especially if you tell me about it so I don’t go crazy thinking about what could go wrong.
One thing of personal note is that all the stress of the pancake breakfast has gotten me back in front of the computer to write again. There have been a number of moments that I’ve been wishing for my journal and tonight is one of them.
I do not like the new open dialog for Mac OSX. I think that it is one of the most annoying changes to the UX in a very long time. Every time I want to just create a simple note, it slows me down with the question about where the heck I want to save the file.
Sometimes I just don’t care and want to write something down.
I don’t think society OKs me saying this but I love making passionate love to my wife.
She’s good at it and I love doing it with her.
When it’s great.: Which is actually turning into a question because we’ve been having a couple of issues in the bedroom. Sometime it great and sometime both of us are left laying there unsatisfied.
I know I’m not the only one this has happened to. A multimillion dollar industry is aimed at couples, women and men trying to improve what they have in the bed room or at the very least make something happen.
We’ve done a couple things like read books, play games and even watch a movie or two, but I’m coming to the conclusion that we are missing that little spark that used to set us off. Sure, we have are little sessions here and there but I feel that we’ve drifted apart in some ways and it doesn’t feel like we are making love to each other but only attempting to satisfy our desires.
But how do we do that? How do I take the woman who nurtures my kids and kisses there owies and do all the little things I wanted to do when we were dating?
Is it me? Am I the one who is having trouble identifying that woman I married as the same woman who I couldn’t get the clothes off fast enough?
Part of it is that I can’t get my mind on all the thoughts about being in adequate and into the moment where it is just two people trying to connect.
Before the kids wake up.
I’ve thought about it. The desires of my life. About what I would I would do if I could do it in an instant. What would I do if I were to snap my fingers and the thing that I wanted were to magically happen; whether it was instantly get into shape or finish that book.
It is in these moments of clarity that I come closer to the reality that if I want to realize these hopes and dreams that I must first start towards them.
A journey of a thousand miles began with a single step.
No, I’m not going to beat myself up about the steps I haven’t taken. There isn’t any point in doing that.
I’m not going to freak out about what tools to use or what direction to go in.
I’m going to sit here, not afraid of what obstacles and hurdles I may run into or worry that I’m going the wrong way.
I’m going to take this moment and be thankful for the opportunities that I have in front of me.
I’m alive and in good health.
I have a family downstairs reading to each other and living in the moment created by the universe just for them.
When I finish this little piece of writing, I’m going down to be with them knowing that although I have millions and millions of possibilities for things to do, I only have so many moments to be with them.
And that is a kind of peace of mind that money or dreams can’t buy.
It seems like everything things get good between my wife and I things seem to fall apart. I don't know what it is but it feels like the problem I'm having with my mom. I.E. things go well and then GRRRRRR we're silently fighting.
I'm afraid that I married my mom in that regard. I've married someone who's default behavior is something akin to a wild animal. Even when you think she's pretty tamed, she'll rear back and swipe at you.
And that isn't even the worst part about it.
The worst part is that there are very rarely moments where I feel that she even notices it herself or feels that she maybe in the wrong. When we talk about it. I usually hear "you do it too" as if makes it right and a brush off that the argument is over.
It's not over.
I feel blooded and scared over it.
I've been thinking about the story of the scorpion and the frog:
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
Maybe it is our nature, maybe it is something being blown out of proportion.
But if you felt your relationship was sinking, what would you do?
Today has been a pretty good day. I got up and was able to get a breakfast for my kids and get them to school on time followed by some quality time with my youngest1.
Things were going pretty good even though there were a number of bumps along the way.
And then it’s time for bed.
It seems like this is the most difficult time for my family2 and it is the one that really tries my patience because it is the end of the day and is the last that stands between me and any activities that I want or need to do for that day. I feel that it is because the lack of a consistent schedule is a major reason my wife and I have “issues” with communication and... um... other stuff.
The youngest asked me to pack up a lunch for her and put it in her backpack. I packed the same lunch as I did for my oldest as she requested and then when we got to class she wanted to touch all the toys and wanted to stay after the bell was rung. I had to bribe her with playing my little pony when we got home AND a piggy back ride. ↩
I think this is the fault of me and my wife as we do not instill a stable routine with the girls. Too often, we get derailed with activities or some other nonsense like not using the right toothpaste, etc. ↩
I like the idea of being a writer. i also like the idea of being a programmer. I spend a lot of time reading about what this and that person did an invariably putthem on a little bit of a pedistal. After that I stand back and say "that person is cool. I wonder if I could do something cool like that. I know, I'll takesome notes and then when I get a chance I'll make something must as cool."
Nothing comes from just wanting and -at this point- my dreams are only hurting me because I see these people and only see what i lack versus what i can bring to the table.
I feel like im hurting and i dont know if I'll ever heal.
I tell myself it ok. That I can get up and do something more with my life but it feels like all my breaks are simply to break even.
I need help.
I need some kind of guidence.
Today, I really feel like I'm loosing touch with my daughters. Part of me thinks that I maybe overthinking the fact that I've been a little sick and out of it the last couple of days, but another part is worried about the health of the communication between me and my 4 year old daughter.
As soon as I wrote that I thought to myself, 'How can any one unstand the mind of a 4 year old?'. Well, there are books on it so maybe something is there?
Using your big girl words
Recently, it feels that our daughters are both not communicating in the best possible way. Both of them seem to yell and whine more than they used to and I find myself thinking that this might be my fault since they are home more. The last couple of weeks have seen the family move into a pattern where things aren't really moving as in a healthy way.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the fact that mommy and daddy have had more and more conflict where we aren't talking to each other in a respectful way and the children sometimes hear us.
Maybe it's the fact that our dog died and this is part of the grieving process.
Whatever it is, we have to figure it out and find a way for us as a family to move forward.
The alternative diffinitely won't make anyone happy.